Far more then ‘just a picture’

My Beautiful Angel,

         I watch the ‘home videos’ of you that we have, often.  Pictures of you still surround the rooms in our home, but you are far more then a picture and I want to remember that always.

      I want to watch your little smile, after I said “Camden, I love you” on the night before you were gone.  I want to see the way your Daddy looks at you, while he holds you on the day you were born.  I want to hear my laughter, while you and Daddy dance.  I guess it’s my way of ‘feeling’ you, once again. 
      The other night I sat here, trying my hardest to recollect your ‘smell’ — I had almost forgotten it.  I watched your videos, and looked at your pictures.  Some may think I was torturing myself, since tears flew down my face, but these tears are not those of ‘torture’ they are ones of love and remembrance of a child that gave me so much more then just 87 days of her life.  The tears of remorse, regret and despair are tucked away;  When your little sister was born I made a promise with myself that I would make sure she knew your love, legacy and life are all ones of love.

      I have no idea how I’m going to ‘explain’ why there are bad people in the world, and why Daddy and I were not able to see that her beautiful big sister was being cared for, by one.  I would never want her to lose trust in others, as I started to after losing you.

    I want your little sister to understand how to feel, hear, see and experience love at it’s deepest for her entire life –  and know that this is what you’ve given her, and this is the what your life was about. 

    I miss you every second of everyday, and I hope God hears/honors our prayers asking him to give you a hug and kiss for us, each night.

   I love you with all my heart, all my soul and every breath I take.

❤ Mommy

A mother’s heart, never stops growing

My beautiful Cami,
It’s been far too long since I’ve put my daily thoughts of you on paper or into words, to share with others.
Your little sister was born on this past Tuesday, on a beautifully sunny, cold, day — just as you were. You were born into sunlight, and sunlight is what you brought this world; I just know your little sister has as much to sunlight to share with this world, as you did.
After you left, I didn’t think life could go on. The world was a cold, dark, extremely unfair place. I couldn’t imagine why you had to leave – I still wish you hadn’t, but you have taught me to trust in our Lord and evil can never prevail, as long as we know Jesus.
For the past 21 months, I have cried every day — there wasn’t a single second of a single day that I didn’t beg God to turn back time and take me instead. I think of all the ways I have wronged this world in only 26 years of life– and then I think of how you were one of the (few) things I actually did right… and how you are gone. Life can be so unfair.
When you little sister was born, I was terrified she would spend her life ‘being compared’ to you. How can someone live up to the standards of an Angel? How can someone be expected to live up to a child they never met — yet has changed so many things in this nation and our family’s hearts. I can’t, she can’t, and I promise you I will never ask that of her.
Your little sister is perfect, at only 9 days old she has quite the sense of humor, already. I was terrified she would be born, and she would bring constant reminders of you leaving. But, you and God knew better.
Your little sister, in only 9 days, has helped heal my soul, and fill my heart in a way I didn’t think it could ever be filled again.
It is true that a Mother’s heart never stops growing, even when it has been shattered.
I miss you every second of everyday, but I know you’re here with us; Protecting your tiny sister against the evils of this world that stole you; Watching our hearts piece back together, with the peace of loving another child. And I know that you are smiling down on us, shining your sunshine so bright that the shadows have disappeared.
I love you with all of my heart and all of my soul, and every breath I take. Forever.
Love,
Mommy

A memory, a story to be told

My beautiful Princess,

     I was talking, yesterday, to a friend about your little sister’s nursery.  She asked “have you set anything up yet” …. I hadn’t thought about it, but no.  Everything in there is still yours. 

       I’ve started a small pile/basket on the changing table with her things, a onsie that says “My Big Sister is an Angel in Heaven”, a couple of new bottles, baby proofing ‘supplies’, a boppy, carseat cover, etc.  But her things are only 1 pile.  Your pack ‘n play is still there — with the same sheets you slept on the last morning you were here.  Your changing table cover still in tact, your dirty clothes still in the hamper.  Your closet is hung with your clothing, and shoved full with your swing, blankets, toys, and unused diapers — they are all there – where you should be. 
       I originally thought “oh hey, this’ll be easy!  We’ll just re-paint, set up the crib, rearrange the room, add new decorations.”  That does sound easy … but once your nursery is gone, you will no longer have your physical place, in our house.  The glider we sat in and talked, before you left for daycare, will be used for sitting and talking to your little sister.  The things I feel are too precious to re-use will be put into storage, to simply gather dust and dirt.

      I have to admit that I’m struggling with this :  Our new beautiful girl is not your replacement, but also not your competition.  We celebrate her life, and the new life she will breathe into our family.  Her “big sister” will be frozen in pictures of only 12 weeks old.  You 2 will never share secrets, or hugs and kisses;  You will be only a ‘story’ to her, a reason Mommy cries;  Someone she would love to meet but never can. 

      But Cami, you have given your little sister a family that has learned to love so deeply that heart strings tie from Heaven to Earth.  2 parents that have learned God never abandons His people, and that life is never guaranteed — so we say our prayers, I love you, give kisses and hugs, and talk to people as we would want to be remembered — since one day we will all just be a memory — a story for others to be told.  

    I love you with all my heart and all my soul, and every breath I take.  I hope you and your little sister are giggling in Heaven, together — and you are showing her around this place we call home, and hopefully she will too.

   ❤ you forever

     ❤ Mommy

When I think of Heaven, I see you

My Beautiful Princess,

     I have vivid dreams of you every night.  They haunt me throughout the days, I’m afraid.  I dreamed once that you were “sold for drugs” while in daycare,  but there was a man (face and name never disclosed in my dream) that came to us and told us where you were — and brought you home, and took your sitter to jail.  I heard the doorbell ring (in my dream, still) and I lunged towards the door — I opened it to find you laying there, as tiny and beautiful as the last day I held you (in real life).  I couldn’t mumer anything besides “Camden, Camden, Camden, Camden, Camden” over and over again.   I squeezed you in the tightest hug I’ve ever given, and I refused to let anyone touch you, blocking all attempts with a quick grasp of you, hugging you again — shielding you from the world, in my arms.

     It haunted me, when I woke up, all day.  I know you’ll be sitting beside me on July 2nd, comforting my heart and shielding it from the day’s findings.

    I am scared the sitter will find herself free in the world, with no jail or judge given sentence.  While your Daddy and I continue to walk this Earth with the most heart wrenching sentence a parent could be given. 

       When I think of Heaven — I think of your arms reaching for me, running across the clouds yelling “Mommy”.  I look forward to Heaven, I look forward to holding you again, and I hope that you know how much we love you.  Until I can hold you again, I hope you are singing your baby sibling a good night lullaby each night just as we did, and telling them all about the overload of kisses and hugs, “I love you’s” and cuddles, they will receive in December. 

   I love you, my beautiful baby, forever and always — with all my heart and all my soul and every breath I take.

Love,
Mommy

Your Forever

My Beautiful Baby,

      Why is it that life is the most important foundation of our days, yet so desperately fragile?  Your life was gone and our lives were changed forever, in just one second. 

      I still have so much blame and hate from that day; Not only for your sitter, but for myself.  I told myself before you left for the day, that maybe I should keep you home.  As I sat in your glider, with you standing on my legs that morning before you left– talking to you about the day ahead and taking you to Disney World in the fall, I thought to myself “something isn’t right”.  But I ignored it.  God spoke to me again as I drove to Massanutten to pick up paperwork from your Daddy,  I thought I should stop by and see you at 9:30 — again I put myself before you and went on with my day, justifying to myself I would see you that evening.  If I had just kept you home … if I had just stopped — I could have protected you.  You would still be here.

 I’ve learned that hatred will not get me any closer to holding you, ever again.  I’ve grown closer to God more in this past year, than I have my entire life.  At first my desperate search for Jesus, and hours of Bible reading were selfish and shallow.  I thought the more I read and went to church, the more I would feel you, and be allowed to hold you in Heaven, again.  But after a year of reading daily passages and spending hours praying daily — I have found God in a deeper way then ever before, and I have found peace in knowing that you are truly eternally happy, and that I can be too.

    I know that you are watching us — you are sharing secrets with God and dancing in Heaven with our family.  I was flipping through the radio channels and heard Ben Harper’s song “Forever” turned on.  I wanted so badly to change it, but I couldn’t.  We used to listen to it on my Ipod, when we were dancing.  

    I used to sing to you “give me your forever, not a day less will do.” 

  It’s so true “Forever always seems be around when it begins, but forever never seems to be around when it ends.”

     We played it during your funeral, while your pictures were slide showing through.  It used to be my favorite song to sing to you when we were dancing in the living room — now I can barely make it through the first verse.

     I wish you, my beautiful 15 month old baby girl, was here to give kisses and hugs to.  I wish I never knew what it felt like to have a piece of my heart separated between Earth and Heaven; But I am grateful that I understand 1st hand how precious and fragile life is; You have given me the strength of love that isn’t defined by this life,  a deeper knowledge of God and our after life, and an enhanced sense of the fragility of this life.  

     I would trade anything in this world to have you back — I wish my eyes had been opened before you left to the powers of God — but since they weren’t — I truly believe your death has saved my soul;  My soul that I thought was worthy of Heaven, but wasn’t in the eyes of God and the readings of His Bible.  I pray I will hold you again.  And I thank God that He is holding you in His arms, until I can.

   I love you forever and always  ❤ Mommy   
    

 

Happy Mother’s Day

My Beautiful Angel,

    I know I haven’t written since your birthday.  I don’t ever stop thinking about you, even if I don’t write it down. 

   There is only one constant in my life:  I miss you.  Somedays it’s easy to look back on your life and smile at the joy you brought; other days it’s much easier to look back on your life and weep over the joy that was stolen from us.

   I’ve been feeling very lost, without you, lately.  The nightly dreams of you come much less often, and the feelings of your presence seem less intense.  I’m afraid that I’m forgetting what you feel like.  I hate this — I don’t want this, I’m fighting this with every ounce of my being.  I need to feel you, to remember you, in order to always remember God does visit Earth, and He does send messengers.

      I have been feeling very disconnected lately, and considering seeking a Medium.  I know that you know your Daddy thinks it’s a sin and wants nothing to do with it.  Maybe it is?  Should I be willing to take that chance, out of my greed to hear and feel you physically, again?  Or should I wait it out, until God allows me to hold you again?  The need to feel you is so intense, that it’s hard to remember that God has a plan — whether I like it or not.

    Missing you is an experience I’ve never felt.  I know your great grandparents have passed before you, I have friends and family members that are in Heaven with you; but it’s not the same.  I have never loved someone so much that even the unconscious thought that you’re gone forever;  brings tears to my eyes.  I am so blessed to be the Mother of an Angel who had only 12 weeks and 3 days to spread joy, love and a message of Hope to the world; and did so beautifully.

    I love you baby girl, you’re my heart and soul. And even though the words “Happy Mother’s Day” bring such pain, confusion, and beautiful memories today, please know that I praise God for the chance to know and hold you.

❤ Mommy

Happy 1st Birthday, My baby Angel

My Beautiful Camden,
I have found myself reciting 3 word sentences alot lately. They all seem so simple, yet have the deepest meaning.
I can’t count the number of times I repeat in my head “I miss you” and “I love you”. Those 3 word sentences are on my mind alot. When your daddy looks at me and says “I miss Camden”, my heart melts with those 3 words too. The most important 3 words I can ever say tomorrow are “Happy Birthday Cami”. Unfortuanetly Daddy and I never got the chance to tell you this, while you were here. It’s not fair (again 3 words).
I wish I could give you a hug and kiss and spin you around in the pretty pink dress you would be wearing. I wish today that you and I had gone to pick out balloons and flowers; We had asked the ladies at the bakery what the pinkest cake they could make was, and spell out “Happy 1st Birthday Cami”.
Instead Daddy and I will be quietly picking out balloons to attach to your headstone, silently hoping no one asks details. We have decided to have an angel food cake for your birthday, but it won’t have any writing. And though the family will be together tomorrow, it isn’t the same.
I don’t know when missing you will ever stop hurting, I don’t know that I can promise you it ever will. I know you don’t want us to be sad on the happiest day of our lives, but baby it is so hard. I love you so much; I’ll be up to see you very early tomorrow morning, I can’t wait to read you “on the day you were born”; and I can’t wait until the weather gets warmer. Now we have a bench (at the graveyard) that we can sit and read on all day. I can’t wait.
I love you; forever and always

❤ Mommy

<3

My Beautiful Princess,
God works in so many mysterious ways… your daddy’s favorite saying has always been “everything always works together for the greater good; and good things come to those that wait”. I’m still holding on baby, I can’t hold you physically, but you are held tight every second, in my heart.
I don’t know how I’ve made it through these past 9 months; putting one foot in front of the other has become a way of life, but it’s not as negative as it may sound. Life is full of “it’s not fairs” and “why me’s” and when you have to face them all head on it changes your life, no matter how much you fight it. I almost feel as if I lived a closed minded, selfish life before I met you. It was the most amazing thing to see you born; Miracles do happen, and you my baby are a miracle.
When you were born, and Daddy and I first held you, it was amazing. You had my eyes, but in your Daddy’s color. You had my nose, but your Daddy’s lips. You had Auntie Izzy’s 1 dimple, and Auntie Julia’s love of music and dancing, you had your Grandy’s intelligence, and your Gamma’s love of being hugged and kissed. You had your Auntie Courtney’s sense of style (you were always in something cute, and remember how I would give you choices, and you would always pick, I guess it was natural to you, to be well dressed!) You had a sense of peace and calm at all times, about you, just like your Daddy, Grammy and Grandaddy;
You were a little bit of everything your Daddy and I loved about our family and our life, all wrapped in a beautiful little ball of joy and peace. It’s hard to think next week you would be one year old. We should be having a huge birthday party, with pink ribbons in your hair, and pink hearts everywhere you look. We should be eating cupcakes and celebrating how perfect you are, and what amazing joy you have brought to us. But, instead, we are having a small family gathering around your headstone, in a graveyard, where your perfect little body was laid to rest.
I know you don’t want us to be sad, and I know you would never want your Mommy and Daddy to ever look back on your short life and cry, especially on your birthday. I love you my beautiful Princess, and keep listening for my heart, it’s always talking to you.
Love you forever, Love you for always,

❤ Mommy

New Year

My Beautiful Princess,

I wanted to tell you “I love you” one more time before a new year begins. 2012 seems, at first glance, such an easy one to say good bye to … and on the surface it is. But, when I remember everything from this past year that has shaped who I am as a woman, mother and wife I remember things that I don’t want to say good bye to, and never will.

I never want to forget the way you smell, I don’t want to forget the way you felt inside my belly kicking and wiggling, I will never forget your beautiful eyes, or the love that I felt, when I held you. I’ll never forget the first time I saw you, or the first time your Daddy saw you. I have never seen him look at anyone or anything with so much love and hope in his eyes. And as much as I try, I’ll never forget the look in his eyes, reflecting mine, on the day you went away.

Sometimes I wish that when “the clock strikes midnight” on December 31st a brand new life awaits just 60 seconds ahead … but that’s not the case. I wish I could turn back the clock to 12/31/11 where I could touch and feel you all the time. That was the last night Dick Clark ever announced the new year’s eve ball drop, that’s the last “new year” I ever had with you. I miss you so much, and I’m sorry baby that these past few days I’ve desperately tried to not think about you — desperately tried to not cry everytime I breathe.

Please know that I love you very much, with all my heart and all my soul and every breath I take. I hope the new year in Heaven is just as special as the new year here on Earth. Daddy and I will be by tomorrow to laugh and sit with you, and bring your Christmas tree home. We loved you the year before last (when all we knew was that you “were in there”), we loved you last year, we’ll love you next year, and the next year, and forever.

❤ Mommy

Merry Christmas, baby angel <3

Hi Baby,
I know it’s been a long time since I wrote to you, but I know you hear me everyday when I talk to you. The anguish of missing you fades in and out, one moment I will be okay the next I just need a hug from your Daddy to even breathe.
I hope you are enjoying Christmas in Heaven; does God give you all presents to open? Are you singing Christmas carols while dancing on clouds? Does Heaven get cold with snow, or does the temperature stay “just right” so you can play and jump and laugh all day?
I know you are looking down on me and Daddy, and the entire world below. I hope you didn’t see the evil that prevailed in Connecticut this past week, but I’m sure you have new friends now, and they are so blessed to be able to be with you. I would give anything to hold you and sing Christmas songs. I wonder all the time what life would be like with you here still, I know all too well how cold and lonely it is now that you’re not.
It’s so hard to watch other babies grow and learn to talk. I’d love more then anything to hear what your voice saying “momma” would sound like; I’d love to see you hang the ornaments on the tree and watch you open presents; I’d love to bake cookies with you, and sing songs about Jesus. I’d love to even just give you 1 more kiss and the chance to say goodbye. I never got to say goodbye.
I love to relive that morning before you went to daycare. I love to remember you standing on my legs facing me, me telling you about going to Disney World next year, telling you how much I love you and smiling at me. I miss your big brown eyes, I miss the way you smell, I miss watching Yo Gabba Gabba and I miss our dance parties to Pandora’s 90’s station.
I get so mad at times, why did God take 3 unborn children from us, and then give us hope, faith, and love when you arrived – only to rip it away again. I know you don’t know these answers, and I’m sorry to even have these thoughts while writing to you. Please know baby Princess that we miss you everyday. We know you are watching over us, and we know you and God hear our prayers. Every night before dinner Daddy and I ask God to give you a big hug and kiss for us, I hope God is listening and gives you the biggest hug and kiss a little Angel could imagine. I love you with all my heart and all my soul and every breath I take. Merry Christmas baby Angel.

❤ Mommy